An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
*****
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Friday, October 31, 2008
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets
arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has
been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
*****
Title Search
arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has
been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
*****
Title Search
Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
"We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year.
Yours truly, etc."
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
"We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year.
Yours truly, etc."
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
"Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you're satisfied."
*****
Justice, American Style
The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?
Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?
Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?
Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.
Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.
Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.
Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?
Leslie: No!
Bill: What did they do?
Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.
I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you're satisfied."
*****
Justice, American Style
The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?
Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?
Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?
Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.
Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.
Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.
Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?
Leslie: No!
Bill: What did they do?
Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
To Maintain Our Insanity... lol... jus for laffs..
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Once You Read This Send Dis To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called ... THERAPY
You know you're living in 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9! " to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clockNews.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
AND ! NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself !! lol!!!
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9! " to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clockNews.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
AND ! NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself !! lol!!!
Proverbs by kids... cute ones..
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.
*As you shall make your bed so shall you......mess it up
*Better be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader
*Strike while the ............................bug is close
*It's always darkest before...................daylight savings time
*You can lead a horse to water but............how?
*Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty
*A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new...............math
*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll........stink in the morning
*The pen is mightier than the.................pigs
*An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax
*Where there's smoke, there's.................pollution
*Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents
*A penny saved is.............................not much
*Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers
*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......................................you have to blow your nose
*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded
*When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.
*As you shall make your bed so shall you......mess it up
*Better be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader
*Strike while the ............................bug is close
*It's always darkest before...................daylight savings time
*You can lead a horse to water but............how?
*Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty
*A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new...............math
*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll........stink in the morning
*The pen is mightier than the.................pigs
*An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax
*Where there's smoke, there's.................pollution
*Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents
*A penny saved is.............................not much
*Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers
*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......................................you have to blow your nose
*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded
*When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way
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