This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. St. Clair,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals..
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Sincerely,
Wal-Mart
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Something Interesting
"Stewardesses"
is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And "lollipop"
is the longest word typed with your right hand..
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
The sentence:
"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?
The words 'racecar,'
'kayak'
and 'level'
are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word
that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
he average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!! :p
is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And "lollipop"
is the longest word typed with your right hand..
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
The sentence:
"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?
The words 'racecar,'
'kayak'
and 'level'
are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word
that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
he average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!! :p
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