INDIA.....

The population of India is 100 crores.



100,000,00,000



But 19 crores are retired.



-19,000,00,000



That leaves 81 crores do the work.



81,000,00,000



There are 25 crores in school,



-25,000,00,000



which leaves 56 crores to do the work.



56,000,00,000



Of this there are 22 crores employed by the
Central Govt,



-22,000,00,000



leaving 34 crores to do the work.



34,000,00,000



4 crores are in the Armed Forces,



-4,000,00,000



which leaves 30 crores to do the work.



30,000,00,0 00



Take away from above total the 20 crores people
work



for State Governments



(State Government employees officially do not
work!)



-20,000,00,000



and that leaves 10 crores to do the work.



10,000,00,000



Total unemployed are 8 crores



-8,000,00,000



and that leaves 2 crores to do the work.



2,000,00,000



At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in



hospitals,



-1,200,00,000



leaving 80 lakhs to do the work.



80,00,000



Now, according to Indian Statistical Institute,
there are
79,99,998



people are in prisons throughout the country.



-79,99,998



That leaves just 2 people to do the work.......



2



You and me!!!


And currently YOU are sitting at your computer reading
mails.


So I am
the only person in our country who is working! And
that's why India
is surviving!!!



Now, please log out and do your job because, for a
change, I want to rest. And I don't want India to suffer
because of that!

Telegram

TELEGRAM #1

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing
B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station
sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."



TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station
to return to her husband. At the reservation counter,
while her turn came, it was the last
ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the
queue, she offered her berth to the old lady
and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall
be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth
to an old lady."

TELEGRAM #4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a
party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants put
on the cake. Well, he thinks for a while and says: let's
put, "You are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man
says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the
top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real
fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire
party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are
not getting better at the top, You are getting older at
the bottom".

TELEGRAM #5

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's
house in Delhi.
When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a
telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram.
When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: "Sethji aaj mar gaye !"
(Sethji Ajmer gaye)

I dint no.. did u??

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.


No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.


You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one(1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!


The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)



Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters
from the word "criminal."

The second ?

William Jefferson Clinton

(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?) 

Zonelam 08

To all Konkani Lovers & Haters out there,

The Government in Goa has managed to come to atleast one unanimous decision: they have commissioned Bill Gates to create a Konkani Version of Windows 2008 exclusively for Goa and other Konkan regions in India.

The Microsoft Team is already hard at work on this new totally new interactive CD-ROM upgrade, which is to be called "ZONELAM 2008".

In this version, a mouse shall be called UNDIR. A mouse buttom shall be called UNDRACHO BUTAO. As ZONELAM 08 opens, the theme music shall "UNDRA MOJEA MAMA".

Here is a preview of some commands which have already been worked out by the Microsoft Team USA, which has entered into special inter-global collaboration with the Abu Dhabi Gulf Konkan Advisors Inc. led by Miss Lianne Rodricks from Reuters, and the Goenkar Papde Association Siolim, exclusively for this project:

Ignore = Mar Shendi

Exit = Vashimbor

Click = Fottu Kadd

Double Click= Don Fottu Kadd

Byte = Ghass Mar

Save = Bankan dorr

Hide = Lipoi

Unhide = Sogleank dakoi

Hang = Lamboi

Stop = Tamboi

Move = Aloi

Turn on = Pettoi

Turn off = Paloi

Yahoo = Shami Kapoor

WORD 7 = UTOR 7

EXCEL = SHANPON

Delete = Zok Mar

Open = Dakoi

Enter = Bhitor hio

Insert = Bhitor ghal

PageUp = Voir cadd

PageDown = Sokol cadd

BackSpace = Fattlean suat

Close = Bonn cor

Save = Samavun dhor

Home = Ghara voch

End = Kabar

I hope my contributions are worth and I hope people at MS won’t have problems accepting our additions. Meanwhile, Siolekar would have been better named as COPCAR (:-) instead of Papde. The name BILL GATES would translate as "KONTACHE DARVANTTE". The name MICROSOFT would translate as "DAKTULLO POCPOCHIT. There is still some disagreement over whether the ZONELAM 2008 Version will use the Devnagri or the Roman Script.

Mr.Churchill Alemao has however denounced that this disagreement is purely politically motivated, and has suggested a novel way to reach a compromise by using the Greek script, as he claims that, that is what computers are to him.

Apple Macintosh, of course, has made a very strong bid for the Konkani version of their own superior but limited-use specialised software.

However the latest update on the situation is that the Goan Government has insisted they change their logo from an Apple to a Cashew first.

Finally, should one fail to exit ZONELAM 08 properly before shut-down, the new version has been fitted with a warning device which will activiate a reminder alarm in two-voice harmony digitally sampled from the vocal cords of Goan troubadros Mr.Caetano de Abreu and Mr.Timoteo

Fernandes, which goes as "Goenchim computeram, Mottinch pomprelam, Ratin ukttim

dottai Zonelam...

Hoi Zonelam".

wierd shoes...

Ideal 'ORKUT' profile of a Software Engineer.

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone to make me live !! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (For all those who know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")


Relationship status : what?
Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.


Age : 10111
1111
111


Here for: web browsing in company hours.


Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)


Ethnicity : Programmer.


Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking: The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. :-)

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri. com, http://jobsahead. com – Isn't it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can't afford one.

Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of my cubicle....

do it the laloo style...

This is a true incident which happened in a college In Bihar. A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesn't know how to put it in English.. He went near the guy. Shouted "follow me". The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and shouted again "Don't follow me" and went inside the class...

Prof. Bihari Inside the Class :

* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor

* You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class ..)
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today.
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....

# About his family :
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
# To a boy, angrily : I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)


# Sir at his best :
* Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school... ( to that boy )

"Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

why?

could u tell me......

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?

4. Why is' abbreviated" such a long word?

5. Why is a boxing ring square?

6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?

10. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,you turn down the volume on the radio?

11. Why is it that to stop windows 95, you have to click on the "Start"?

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

15. Why is the time day with the slowest traffic called "Rush" hour?

16. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

17. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

18. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

jus for laffs.....

Scene: Two Surds (1&2), and a Monkey and some scientists with their Chairman (CM).
Sub: Launching of Space shuttle with Both Surds and the monkey in it.
CM: Hello Surds, I am giving three letters to you, one to each, and I order you not see the letters of the others till you finish the assignment. You have to open your letters after the shuttle takes off. (The surds agree to it and enter the space shuttle along with the monkey.)

(Count down starts 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 and the Rocket takes off)
(Both the Surds get curious about the third letter addressed to the monkey.)

1st Surd to the 2nd: Hey! Can you guess what might be there in that monkey's letter?
2nd surd: I am not a fool to break my head thinking about it and wasting time. Let us see what is there in it?
The 1st Surd agrees and both open the letter and they find lot of instructions like, Switch on Red button to the right after reaching 100000 ft, Take Pictures of the Earth, Release so and so button... etc and the list
continues...

After going through this, the Surds think, "Oh! When Monkey has got these many things to perform we must have also been given brain draining tasks."

So they open their respective letters simultaneously. Both will find...
(IN RED LETTERS),
"FEED THE MONKEY EVERY HALF AN HOUR WITH OUT FAIL."

>>>>>>

One day, as the Sardar taxi driver was driving along he saw a priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied priest."No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in."The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued down the road. Suddenly the Sardar saw a Pakistani walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Pakistani. However even though he was certain he missed the Paki , he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani".That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

>>>>>>
The Pope was on his way to the UN building, to give a very important speech. But his plane was late and there was a lot of heavy traffic. He kept telling the chauffeur to go faster. The chauffeur turned around and
said "Your holiness, I'm trying to go as fast as I can, If I go any faster I will get another speeding ticket and I will lose my license" And the Pope said, "I understand, I will drive!"

So the Pope got up into the drivers seat and he started going 160 MPH. So a cop pulls him over and says, "Oh I am sorry my holiness, go along." So then the cop takes out his cell phone and dials the station and says, "Guess who I pulled over?"

"Who, the Mayor?"
"Bigger than that!"
"The Governor?"
"Bigger than that."
"The President?"
"No, bigger."
"Then who?"

"I don't know, but his chauffeur is the Pope!!!."t" said the Chief Priest.

>>>>>>

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sardar community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won, the Sardars would leave. The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do? Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Sant happened? They asked.

Well, said Santa Singh, First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here. Yes, yes,.. and then??? asked the crowd. I don't know, said Santa Singh, He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.

>>>>>>

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.
Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground.
Sardarji did it.
Bill: more...more...more...
Sardarji went upto 100 feet
Bill: So now, try to search something.
Sardarji: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India.
Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement.
The same...he takes Bill to a forest.
Sardarji : Dig it.
Bill does.
Sardarji : more...more...more...
Bill goes upto almost 400 feet..
Sardarji : try to find something.
Bill tries.
Sardarji : Did you get anything ?
Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have
WIRELESS!!


>>>>>>

While visiting England, President Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the ;Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up ; and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman ; of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse ;Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can ;answer a question for me." ; Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this ; child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" ; Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get ; back to you?"; Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other ;senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for or sister.

Who is it ; several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in ; desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and ; explains his problem.; "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a ; child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" ; Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I ; know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

>>>>>>

Two Singhs (pilots) try to land an airplane in the United States.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed "The runway is ending!".The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending!
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again.
During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it."

Make XP faster than light

the ultimate tweak guide

PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU ARE NOT CONFIDENT YOU UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!!!

Right-click the desktop and click ‘properties’
Then select the ‘desktop’ tab
At the bottom ‘click customise desktop’
Un-tick the ‘desktop clean-up wizard’
Click ‘OK’ and then select the ‘Screensaver’ tab
Select ‘None’ for the Screensaver
Then click ‘Power’ below the Screensaver options
Set ‘Turn off monitor’ to ‘Never’
Set ‘Turn off Hard Disks’ to ‘Never’
Make sure that ‘System Stand-by’ is set to ‘Never’
Then under the Power options go to the ‘Hibernate’ tab
Un-tick ‘Enable Hibernation’

Now Right-click the ‘Recycle Bin’ icon on the desktop
Then click ‘properties’
Drag the slide down to 3% or 4%
Click ‘Apply’ and then ‘OK’

Now Right-Click the ‘Taskbar’ and click ‘Properties’
Select the ‘Start-Menu’ Tab
Then click ‘Customise’ just under the small desktop screenshot
Change the number of Programs on the Start-Menu to zero
Then click ‘Clear List’
Then select the ‘Advanced’ tab
Un-tick ‘Highlight newly installed programs’
Also un-tick ‘List my most recently opened documents’
Apply these settings and close all open Windows

Now Right-click ‘My Computer’ and click ‘Properties’
Click the ‘Automatic Updates’ tab and un-tick it
Click the ‘Remote’ tab and un-tick ‘Remote Assistance’
Click the ‘System Restore’ tab and tick the box there
Then click the ‘Advanced’ tab and under ‘Performance’ click ‘Settings’
Un-tick the first ten boxes (these have names next to them)
Apply these settings and close all open Windows

Now click on the ‘Start-Menu’ and then click ‘Run’
Type ‘Services.msc’ and then click ‘OK’
Disable the following services:

•Automatic Updates (This blocks auto-updates, do you want to do this?)
•Background Intelligent Transfer Service
•Error Reporting Service
•Help And Support (Help and Support still works afterwards)
•Logical Disk Manager
•Messenger
•Remote Desktop Help Session Manager
•Remote Registry
•Routing and Remote Access
•Secondary Logon (Doesn’t stop anything important!)
•System Restore Service

Google Search Tips

http://www.google.co.in/search?hl=en&q=intitle%3A%22index.of%22
+%28mp3%29+%s+-html+-htm+-php+-jsp&btnG=Google+Search&meta=