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A few things I hate bout people

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.



3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?


5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

The Secret of Success….!!!

A young man asked Socrates the secret of success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him into the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and swiftly ducked him into the water.

The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue. Socrates pulled the boy’s head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air.

Socrates asked him, "what did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied, "Air". Socrates said, "That is the secret of success! When you want success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it!" There is no other secret.

40 Tips for a Better Life

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day..

3. Sleep for 7 hours.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Play more games.

6. Read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink plenty of water.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

18. Smile and laugh more.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Forgive everyone for everything.

26. What other people think of you is none of your business.

27. GOD heals everything.

28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

32. The best is yet to come.

33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

34. Do the right thing!

35. Call your family often.

36. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

37. Each day give something good to others.

38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.

The Richest Man In History:John D. Rockefeller....

When John D. Rockefeller was a young boy, he said that his two
greatest ambitions were to make $100,000 and to live to be 100 years
old. He died on May 23, 1937, just 26 months shy of his 100th
birthday and with a net worth of $1.4 billion.

Over a forty-year career that was mired in controversy, Rockefeller
made a name for himself in America's budding oil industry. He built
Standard Oil into the largest company in the world and eventually
also became the richest man in the world. Adjusting for inflation,
some experts suggest that Rockefeller was the richest human being
ever to have lived.

Born November 13, 1810 in Richford, New York, John Davison
Rockefeller was the second of six children to parents William and
Eliza. William was a traveling salesman in the business of selling
such suspect things as cancer cures. While he was away, it was left
to Eliza to take care of the home. The family moved around, first to
Moravia and later, Owego, where Rockefeller attended Owego Academy.

In 1853, the family moved to Strongsville, Ohio, where Rockefeller
went to Central High School. At 19, he became a deacon at the Euclid
Avenue Baptist Church and a trustee at 21. In 1855, Rockefeller
dropped out of high school to take a business course at Folsom
Mercantile College. A six-month course, Rockefeller had completed it
in just three.

After searching for six weeks, Rockefeller found his first job as an
apprentice bookkeeper at Hewitt & Tuttle, a commission merchant and
produce shipping company. He started off earning 50 cents per day, a
salary that would gradually increase over the next two years due to
his increasing responsibilities and improving performance. In 1859,
Rockefeller felt that he was no longer making the amount of money he
deserved and so he left Hewitt & Tuttle. With a partner, Maurice
Clark, Rockefeller decided to create his own produce commission
company.

That year, Cleveland-based Clark & Rockefeller was launched and it
became an instant success. It wasn't long before their new company
had accumulated enough capital to be able to invest in other
businesses. Along with chemist Samuel Andrews, Clark & Rockefeller
invested in an oil refinery. Rockefeller was confident in the bright
future of the oil business and over the next five years delved
wholeheartedly into making his company a success.

So confident was Rockefeller in the oil business that in 1865, he
decided to sell his share of Clark & Rockefeller to his partner. Far
from giving up, Rockefeller wanted to branch out on his own. He used
the proceeds from the sale of his shares to invest in another
refinery, which soon became Rockefeller & Andrews. Two years later,
they bought out the refinery that had been started by Rockefeller' s
brother, William. They also joined with Henry Flagler in creating
Rockefeller, Andrews & Flagler.

By 1868, this new partnership had become the largest petroleum
refiner in the world. Recognizing their potential, the Rockefeller
brothers, Andrews, Flagler and another silent partner began
absorbing their competition. Together, in 1870, the five businessmen
launched Standard Oil. With Rockefeller as its new president, the
company would soon find itself at the forefront of a booming
industry, achieving unprecedented success.

Pretty interesting uhhh...??

Its the time for the International symbol of marriage...!!!

No jokes, yes you all saw that right… The International symbol of marriage has been released and the saddest thing is that it was released way behind in the year 2005 and now don’t be flabbergasted to see this…
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If u dont believe it just type "international symbol of marriage" in images.google.com

Hope all women Are happy now!!

For those who are not getting what's in the hand of man ............................it is “Credit Card”.

'Fail to learn, learn to fail'

It is well known that for 28 years Abraham Lincoln experienced one failure after another. In 1833 he had a nervous breakdown. When he ran for speaker in 1838 he was defeated. In 1848 he lost re-nomination to Congress and was rejected for land officer in 1849. These failures didn't stop him from battling on. In 1854 he was defeated for the Senate. Two years later he lost the nomination for vice-president and was again defeated for the Senate in 1858. Yet, despite it all, in 1860 he was elected president and went down in history as one of America's greatest presidents.

Obviously, success isn't the absence of failure. It is having the determination to never quit because "quitters never win and winners never quit."

Almost every person who has achieved anything worthwhile with his or her life has not only experienced failure but experienced it many times. Lincoln experienced innumerable failures, but he was never a failure because he never gave up.

Enrico Caruso failed so many times with his high notes that his voice teacher advised him to give up. He didn't. Instead, he persevered and became one of the world's greatest tenors.

Albert Einstein and Werner von Braun both failed courses in math. Henry Ford was broke when he was 40.

Thomas Edison's school teacher called him a dunce, and later he failed over 6,000 times before he perfected the first electric light bulb.

How to face the hike in Petrol costs....??

The simple optimistic answer is to ask ourselves "Who says petrol is costly....??" J



Read on…


This is a forwarded Message:


I filled up my car's fuel tank, and I thought fuel has become really expensive after the recent price hike.


But then I compared it with other common liquids and did some quick calculations, and I felt a little better.


To know why, see the results below - you'll be surprised at how outrageous some other prices are ! !


Diesel (regular) in Mumbai : Rs.36.08 per litre


Petrol (speed) in Mumbai : Rs.52 per litre


Coca Cola 330 ml can : Rs.20 = Rs.61 per litre


Dettol antiseptic 100 ml Rs.20 = Rs.200 per litre


Radiator coolant 500 ml Rs.160 = Rs.320 per litre


Pantene conditioner 400 ml Rs.165 = Rs.413 per litre


Medicinal Mouthwash like Listerine 100 ml Rs.45 = Rs. 450 per litre


Red Bull 150 ml can : Rs.75 = Rs.500 per litre


Corex cough syrup 100 ml Rs.57 = Rs. 570 per litre


Evian water 500 ml Rs. 330 = Rs. 660 per litre so its Rs. 660 for a litre of WATER !!


And the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)


Kores whiteout 15 ml Rs. 15 = Rs. 1000 per litre


Cup of coffee at any decent business hotel 100 ml Rs. 50 = Rs. 500 per litre


Old Spice after shave lotion 100 ml Rs. 175 = Rs. 1750 per litre


Pure almond oil 25 ml Rs. 68 = Rs. 2720 per litre


And this is the REAL KICKER...


HP DeskJet colour ink cartridge 21 ml Rs.1900 = Rs. 90476 per litre!!!


Now you know why computer printers are so cheap ? So they have you hooked for the ink !!!


So, the next time We are at the pumping station, lets not curse anyone – but just be glad our cars doesn't run on cough syrup, after shave, coffee, or God forbid, printer ink !!!


Thats wat we call optimistic thinking don’t we….??

Cranky things to Go Crazy in an Elevator....!!

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on
the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a
while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up,
then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask
if he has an appointment.

9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if
he can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him
occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's
okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
ask, "Got enough air in there?"

19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.

22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have new socks on."

25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal
space!"

SHOCKING HEALTH FACTS

* Don't put your mobile closer to your ears until the recipient answers, Because directly after dialing, the mobile phone would use it's maximum signaling power, which is: 2watts = 33dbi. Please Be Careful. Please use left ear while using cell (mobile), because if you use the right one it may affect brain directly. This is a true fact from Apollo medical team.


* Do not drink APPY FIZZ . It contains cancer causing agent.


* Don't eat Mentos before or after drinking Coke or Pepsi coz the person will die immediately as the mixture becomes cyanide. Please fwd to whom u care.


* Don't eat kurkure because it contains high amount of plastic if U don't Believe burn kurkure n u can see plastic melting. Please forward to all!!!!!!!!! !! News report from Times of India.


* Avoid these tablets as they are very dangerous:
1. D-Cold
2. Vicks action-500
3. Actified
4. Coldarin
5. Co some
6. Nice
7. Nimulid
8. Cetrizet-D
* They contain Phenyl- Propanol -Amide PPA.Which Causes strokes, and these tablets are banned in U.S.


* Cotton Ear Buds... (Must read it) Please do not show sympathy to people selling buds on roadside or at Signals by buying their ear buds (instead you can give them money without taking their ear buds)..... Just wanted to warn you people not to buy those packs of ear buds you get at the roadside. Those were made from cotton that has already been used in hospitals. They take all the dirty, blood and pus filled cotton, wash it, bleach it and use it to make ear buds. So, unless you want to become the first person in the world to get Herpes Zoster Oticus (a viral infection of the inner, middle, and external ear) of the ear and that too from a cotton bud, DON'T BUY THEM!

Marvellous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."


The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.





The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

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He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".

BANG UR HEAD

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer.


Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions.

They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.


Here are some of them:-


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1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?


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2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?


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3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.


The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?


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4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?


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5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?


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6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?


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7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?


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8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?

Same question, but the location is in Canada ?


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9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.


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10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?


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11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?


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Scroll down for answers..... .......


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1. The word "incorrectly. "


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2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.


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3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)


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4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.


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5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.

So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.


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6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.


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7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.


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8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.


The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...


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9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.


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10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.


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11. The temperature.


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Boss & me

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough


When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,


When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.


When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked


When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Beauty of Mathematics !!!!!!!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321


1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111


9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888


Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321


Now, take a look at this...

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of

God that will put you over the top!

love is..

Martinis

Cocktails - Martinis

Get your own at Scribd or explore others: Culture History recipes party

Headlines in 2020..

Click to enlarge

Math’s magic...

259 X ( Ur age) X 39 =?


Try it and you will be surprised to see the result.

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.




Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.




Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.




Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.




One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.




All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.




A second original monkey is removed and replaced.




The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.




This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.




However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.




One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.




All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.



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AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

Only great minds can read this!!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.




i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

10 resons you are your Zodiac Sign

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!


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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


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2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."



When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.


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3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.



Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


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4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.


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5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.


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6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.



This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


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7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


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8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?


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9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.



When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


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10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


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11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.


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12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.


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13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.



Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.


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14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.


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15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.


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16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.



If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.


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17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.



"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


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18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder... louder... louder...


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19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


*******

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back.



If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.



If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

Devils Advocate

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

*****

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets
arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has
been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

*****

Title Search

Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
"We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year.
Yours truly, etc."

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

"Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you're satisfied."

*****

Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?
Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?
Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?
Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.
Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.
Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.
Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?
Leslie: No!
Bill: What did they do?
Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

To Maintain Our Insanity... lol... jus for laffs..

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Once You Read This Send Dis To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called ... THERAPY

You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9! " to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clockNews.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

AND ! NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself !! lol!!!

Proverbs by kids... cute ones..

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.

*As you shall make your bed so shall you......mess it up

*Better be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader

*Strike while the ............................bug is close

*It's always darkest before...................daylight savings time

*You can lead a horse to water but............how?

*Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty

*A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.

*You can't teach an old dog new...............math

*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll........stink in the morning

*The pen is mightier than the.................pigs

*An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax

*Where there's smoke, there's.................pollution

*Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents

*A penny saved is.............................not much

*Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers

*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......................................you have to blow your nose

*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded

*When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way

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