Learning Alfabet The Punjabi Way!

Say them out loud :)

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses
(e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi - does not exist in the culture.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 2 lakhs and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.

Installing Husband 1.0

A desperate woman
writes to
the Technical support Guy,


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system
performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NEWS
5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman



x0x0x0x0x0x



DEAR DESPERATE Madam,


First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: i thought you loved me. html and try to
download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt
3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0
or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that
will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

25 worlds dumbest laws

Introducing… the World’s Dumbest Laws – 25 of them from US to England to Indonesia and more!

• The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.


• In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genital but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.


• In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.


• In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their
husbands to wear false teeth.


• In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.


• In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.


• In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

• In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.


• In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.


• In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.


• In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.


• In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

• In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of long bow practice a day.


• In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (A good one!)


• In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.


• In Lancashire, England, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.


• In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

• Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.


• In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.


• In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.


• Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.


• In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.


• It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.


• It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.


• It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.


AND A BONUS…

In the city of Chico, California, detonation of a nuclear device in the city will lead to the payment of a fine of $500.

Facebook Tip: How to Get Your Facebook Vanity URL

Facebook has now made it possible to create a customized link for your profile - affectionately known around the tech world as a vanity URL.

Right now, your Facebook URL appears something like this:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=123456789

After you modify your URL (I'll show you how), you'll have a much more clean-looking Facebook address, such as:

http://www.facebook.com/(username)

Twitter and LinkedIn have had this capability for quite some time. On those two services, you simply go to your account settings to modify it. But on Facebook, the capability had not been made available – till now.

Just log onto Facebook and then point your browser to www.facebook.com/username/.

According to a blog post by Facebook, you will be prompted to choose a username. Facebook may suggest some options (see screen shot below), or you can create your own if it's still available.

Your username for the vanity URL must be at least five characters long and be all alphanumeric characters (A-Z, 0-9).

A word of caution: Don't go for anything funny or cute. Play it straight. According to Facebook, "Once it's been selected, you won't be able to change or transfer it."

Have fun.

How to identify an Indian!

1. Everything you eat is savoured in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

3. You are Always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.

7. You name your children! in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini.)

8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed' ..

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think..

14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions,which never happen.

15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff )

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).

23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train or plane.

26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

27. Your wedding gifts are mostly in cash with a one rupee coin added to the note in a cover.

28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle orAunty.

30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes,you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

31. Your parents don't realize phone connections ! to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them fromgetting dirty.

33. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

34. All your Tupperware is stained with food colour.

35.. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.